Dorkdome Strikes Again

Clever folks impress me. Sometimes they even cause me to feel small and shy in their presence. It's not their fault; I recognize that it's my own insecurities bubbling up, making my laugh a little more emphatic, my eyes darting to meet Mr./Ms. Clever's, more than necessary to check in during the conversation. Especially in a group. Did he/she like what I said? Was that other person's comment as silly/smart as I thought it was? All very middle school, I know. What can I say? I doubt my own cleverness and ability to be liked in a new group setting. Oh, Linnet! You three or four, shake your heads with a chuckle, What are you talking about? You get along so easily with others. Yes, with people I know. I've addressed this issue before and have apparently not resolved it, yet. Once I get more comfortable, however, I'm fine. I think I've honed in on the most obvious scenarios in which Insecure Linnet arrives on the scene in place of Confident Linnet: 1. at a party of strangers; 2. in a forced group situation where you are all sitting together in a room for a number of hours. Frankly, I prefer the latter. It's a bit easier for me to gain my comfort zone and relax. It's when someone clever gets put in the mix that I get a little gerghidlkn;alghaoi. (Yes. I said gerghidlkn;alghaoi. I don't know how to spell a gurgling, tense and throaty noise that best illustrates my inhibitions.)
Like today, for instance. (Ah ha! Now she comes to it.) And it had to be today, right? Otherwise why would I be writing about it? Well, there was this girl. And she and I were both on the same phone shift for the KEXP pledge drive for the last two days. I see her around the hill and downtown, quite a bit, as one does in a city like this. She has cool and unique tattoos. she dresses in an individually stylish way without being too much. She's cute. Oh, and now that I've sat in the same room with her for 8 hours, I know she's smart with original ideas and ways of expressing herself. And clever. And I felt like such a goober when I realized that I was laughing at her comments more than I would have, if I wasn't feeling like a dork. And that I caught myself actually thinking, Does she think I'm as big a dork as I think I am right now? I hope not. In all likelihood, I wasn't even a blip on her radar. I mean to say, once I left the room, at the end of our shift, I doubt she gave me a second thought. Not in a mean way. Just in a That was a productive 4 hours. We answered a lot of phones and everyone seemed nice way. Whereas I continue to think about her and her cleverness. Yesterday she showed us a 64 second animated short she made for a class. It was great. That's what really got me. Though, if I hadn't seen her again today, I don't know that I would have cared as much as I seemingly do now. I guess I was reminded of my initial impression of her, and we were fewer today than yesterday. Oh. I also sat across from her today. Yesterday, we were a livelier group and there were many conversations going on. Today, we were a bit quieter so perhaps she just shined a little more...what on earth did I want from her that caused this wacky doubting, fumbling version of me?
APPROVAL! That's what I wanted from her. Good god, I am in middle school.