Future Distress

As mentioned, once or twice, I have been toying with the idea of grad school. Library and information science. Accredited distance learning programs exist, many do, in fact, and SOME of them do not require the GRE if your undergrad gpa was not below a particular number. That's me, baby!!! An essay, some official transcripts, application and a three letters of recommendation. But from whom? I graduated from college 10 years ago. I haven't had an academic encounter in ten years. Well, two years ago I took an online creative writing class through the community college. Does that count? I wasn't worried about my non-academic life until I spoke to my sister, this morning. She has several degrees. She had no problem with letters from professors. This is the first full year that she hasn't been in school since she was six. (She's a year older than I am.) I asked her advice. She gave it. Best to have letters from teachers or others who have some experience with your learning/work abilities. I cried. She told me that maybe it didn't matter. What about someone who directed a show I was in? They can talk about my work ethic. I cried some more. Thank goodness it was sunny on my walk to work, because crying in public, while talking on a cell phone is not a good look. She meant well, dear Holly.

WHY was I so easily deflated? I need to talk to someone who has been out of school for a length of time and has recently gone back, in a graduate kind of way...I think I want to cry again.

I don't want to live in a studio apartment for the rest of my life! I don't want to become the kind of girl who hopes that her boyfriend will decide to support me by living together or getting married. Hoping that our finances become one. Maybe I don't want to live with anyone or get married. When I think about planning for my future, reliance on another isn't what I mean. I want to know that I can support myself no matter where I am in life. In a relationship or not. A mother or not. I don't want to be forty years old, worrying whether or not I can afford to buy groceries.

And, I am petrified that this MLIS degree isn't going to work out. Haven't even begun to compile the application needs, and I've already imagined my failure. Have I imagined my success? Pshaw! That would be rather new age of me, no?

So, if you are reading this blog, and you have any experience with people with a similar tale to tell--30-something applying to graduate school after being out of school for a LONG ASS TIME--then, please, share. Encourage me. Pep talk to me. (or write, as the case may be.)